


The Howling Commandoes: Professional Matchmakers

by this_wayward_life



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: 5+1 Things, Accidental Relationship, Accidental Voyeurism, And Bucky Didn't Fall Off The Train, And Steve Didn't Commit Suicide Via Crash-Landing A Plane, Angst, Awesome Peggy Carter, Bottom Bucky Barnes, Captain America: The First Avenger, Captain America: The First Avenger Compliant, Crack, Everything is Beautiful and Nothing Hurts, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, Gay Bucky Barnes, Howling Commandoes, Humour, Let's Pretend They All Survived The War, M/M, Marriage, Misunderstandings, POV Multiple, Riding, Slight Smut, Smut, Steve And Bucky Don't Know They're Dating, Top Steve Rogers, mentioned Steve Rogers/Peggy Carter - Freeform, not in a sexual way - Freeform, outsider pov
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-20
Updated: 2019-09-20
Packaged: 2020-10-24 16:33:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20709122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/this_wayward_life/pseuds/this_wayward_life
Summary: Alternate title: Five times the Howling Commandoes noticed something about the Sarge and the Captain, and one time they did something about it





	The Howling Commandoes: Professional Matchmakers

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Don't Ask](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1075806) by [AnnaFugazzi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnaFugazzi/pseuds/AnnaFugazzi). 

> I read AnnaFugazzi's Don't Ask, and it was really sad but also really good and I wanted to write a nice fluffy thing where all the Commandoes are totally cool with homosexuality
> 
> Also I know that Pinky, Junior and Happy Sam aren't here - I only remembered them when I was halfway through writing and I couldn't be bothered writing them in

1.

It had been a hard mission. The weather was colder than the English winters that James was used to, and he was shivering so hard his beret had fallen off several times. The Austrian mountains were officially his least favourite place, and he'd been a prisoner of war for an extended period of time. The rest of the Commandoes had resorted to sharing body heat, and while Dum Dum stunk magnificently, he was quite warm, and James found himself reluctantly snuggle further into the larger man. 

Gabe and Dernier were wrapped in their sleeping bags, despite the Captain's warnings that the material was highly flammable and if it was burned by the campfire they wouldn't be able to get another one. From what James could tell, they were talking about baguettes. He didn't know - he couldn't speak French.

Morita was poking at the fire, cursing softly every now and then as he attempted to keep the wood inside the designated rock circle that they'd set up. Every now and then, one of the other Commandoes would make a quip about his lack of talent when it came to stoking fires, and Morita would try to throw a burning log at them. 

The Captain had one of his baseball mitt-sized hands wrapped around a mug, the contents of which steaming ever so slightly. His other arm was wrapped around Barnes, pulling the other man to rest back against his chest. Barnes had his head leaning back on the Captain's shoulder, and was tracing patterns into the other man's hand. They looked quite peaceful, Monty thought. Almost like his sister and her husband.

That thought made James freeze, and do a double-take. Yep, he was definitely still seeing the same thing. And it looked as if they didn't even know they were doing it. 

Rogers raised an eyebrow. "You alright there, Falsworth? You're looking a little green."

"Just a tough mission, sir," James croaked out, and Barnes groaned.

"Amen to that. My ass hurts from all that squatting."

James felt his face turn bright red. 

"Hey, at least you didn't have to run as much as the rest of us," Morita quipped. 

"Yeah, unless this idiot gave away my position," Barnes retorted, and elbowed Steve in the gut.

"Aw, Buck, you know I'd never put you in danger," Rogers cooed, and Barnes snorted.

"Tell that to all my bruises and broken bones from hauling your scrawny ass out of a fight."

"Well, I couldn't just sit there and do nothing!"

"Yes you could, you dumbass. You just didn't want to."

"Aw, you know that ain't fair-"

"You two bicker more than me and the missus," Dugan interrupted. "Christ, people would think you're married by all that."

James choked and started coughing relentlessly. From the other side of the fire, Gabe started giggling. Neither Rogers or Barnes seemed to notice.

"I'm gonna turn in," Rogers finally said, then patted Barnes' hip. "You should too, Buck. You've had a long day."

"Everyone's had a long day, Stevie," Barnes said, but allowed the Captain to pull him to his feet, and they both stumbled off to their tent. Once James heard the tell-tale signs of the tent closing, he turned back to the fire.

"Tell me I'm not the only one who saw that," he hissed. Gabe rolled his eyes.

"What, that they act more in love than my own damn parents? I'm not blind, Falsworth."

"What in the bloody hell are the two of you on about?" Dum Dum asked, his moustache quivering. 

"No, you don't understand," James pressed. "I don't believe they know how they feel."

"That's impossible," Morita cut in. "A blind man could see how they feel about each other."

"Apparently not," Dernier spoke, his voice so heavily accented James could barely understand him. "They have not been imprisoned yet, no?"

"So we're the only dumbasses who've noticed?" Gabe asked.

"Wait, the Sarge and the Captain?" Dum Dum asked, and his voice was incredulous. "I thought Cap was sweet on Agent Carter."

"There's a reason we call you Dum Dum, Dugan," Morita said, not bothering to look over. 

"How have you not noticed?" Gabe asked incredulously. "We practically live in each other's pockets. I heard Dernier jerking off the other night in our tent!"

Dernier sputtered. "I would never-"

"Can it, big boy. I sleep literally a foot away from you, I know what I heard."

"Anyway," James pressed, "they don't seem to know how the other feels. I understand if they might be keeping their relationship secret, or even staying away for their own safety, but I believe they actually haven't realised."

"Either their own love or the other's love?" Dum Dum asked.

"The other's - there is no way in hell they wouldn't know their own feelings," Gabe said.

"I'm not so sure about that - neither of them is particularly smart," Morita mumbled.

"When it comes to emotions, you're right," James said to Morita. "But even they are not that daft."

All five of them glanced towards the tent that Barnes and Rogers shared. 

"Should we... say something?" Dum Dum asked.

"Let's wait and see," Gabe replied.

It was so cold that night that James hardly protested being spooned to sleep by Dugan. He wasn't happy about it, though - he still had dignity. A tiny, almost non-existent, shred of dignity.

2.

There was blood all over Tim's hands. There was gunfire all around him. He was out in the open, on the top of a building, surrounded by HYDRA and trying desperately to protect the half-dead sniper at his feet.

"Come on, boy," Tim hissed, shaking Barnes' shoulder. The young man was pale, his breathing shallow as he gripped onto his thigh, where a bullet had gone straight through. Tim had ripped his sleeve off to use as a pressure bandage, but it wasn't doing much. Without medical attention and a blood transfusion, Barnes could die. "Come on, lad, stay with me."

Barnes let out a soft moan, and more blood leaked from the wound on his thigh through the makeshift bandage. Christ, there was so much blood.

Tim hoisted the unconscious boy into his arms and made a break for the trapdoor leading back down into the building. The whole place was probably crawling with HYDRA, but the only other way down was to jump, and Tim was no super-soldier. 

As he dashed past the windows, Tim could see the rest of the Commandoes fighting the HYDRA soldiers. Dernier was throwing grenades like a madman, Gabe and Falsworth were on either side of Morita as he hacked into the self-destruct system all the bases had, and the Captain was surrounded by enemy soldiers and somehow still had the upper hand. 

Barnes felt dangerously light in Tim's grip. He'd known that the young man had lost weight at Azzano, and he'd always been on the slim side even with the prominent muscles that decorated his body, but the combination of not enough food and blood loss had made Barnes lose several pounds. He felt lighter and lighter with every step, although Tim wasn't sure if that was because of the blood loss, or his own adrenaline.

HYDRA soldiers came into view around a corridor, and Tim hoisted Barnes over his shoulder so he could grab the pistol at his hip and return fire. By some miracle, no bullets hit them as Tim ran through the enemy lines, shouldering people aside. A knife slashed at him, cutting into Tim's arm, but he barely felt it. He burst through the front doors, making a break for the safety of the woods. He could hear shouting and the yells of the HYDRA soldiers behind him as they were gunned down by Falsworth and Gabe. Dernier abandoned his grenades to follow Tim into the undergrowth, and Tim could hear the base explode behind him as Morita finally cracked through the system.

When Tim and Dernier were far enough from the battle to not be attacked, Dernier motioned for Tim to put Barnes down. The boy's skin had gone from white to something more grey, and his breaths were laboured. At some point, he'd completely passed out - whether it was from the pain or the blood loss, Tim wasn't sure.

"What happened?" Dernier asked as Tim slowly lowered Barnes to the ground.

"I don't know," Tim admitted. "I went up there to get a better vantage point, and Barnes was bleeding out. I'm guessing he got shot when he stood up or something."

"Sacrebleu," Dernier muttered, pulling a bandage out of the pocket of his jacket and applying pressure to the still-bleeding wound. Barnes moaned softly but didn't wake up.

The crackling of the undergrowth around them made Tim look up, gun drawn, but he lowered it when he saw Gabe and Falsworth appear. Falsworth's face went pale when he saw Barnes.

"Jesus Christ," Gabe whispered, and he dropped to his knees next to Barnes. "Is he alive?"

"For now," Tim replied, watching Falsworth pull a couple of pills from his pocket. "What are those for?"

"To help with the pain, you daft man," Falsworth said, his shaking voice the only clue to his true feelings. "Help me sit him up, would you? And grab some water - I doubt he would be able to dry swallow these in his current state."

"Wait until the Captain finds out," Gabe muttered, hands on Barnes' shoulders as he hauled him into a sitting position.

"Would you blame him, mon ami?" Dernier asked. He pressed a little harder on the wound, and Barnes whimpered. "They are closer than lovers."

"Well, it won't be a walk in the park, that's for sure," Tim said. "Have you seen Cap when he gets worried?"

"Yes, Dugan, we were all there after he'd rescued Barnes from Azzano," Falsworth said, placing the pills in Barnes' mouth and pouring some water in along with them. He tilted Barnes' head back and murmured praise when the other man swallowed. "That's it, chap. You're doing very well."

Morita came staggering into the clearing, clutching his arm. His eyes widened when he saw Barnes.

"Another injury? Are you kidding me?" Gabe exclaimed.

"Just a bit of shrapnel. I'll be fine," Morita said, his eyes not leaving Barnes. "Is he dead?"

"Merde, why does everybody keep asking me that?" Dernier asked in exasperation. "I am not useless. I know what I am doing."

"There's blood everywhere," Tim reminded him. "It doesn't look good."

"But he is alive, is he not?"

"Incoming," Gabe muttered, just as the Captain jogged into sight, not even looking out of breath. His eyes landed on Barnes, and he let out a strange choking sound before he stumbled forward and collapsed next to the unconscious Sergeant. His hands fluttered over Barnes' face and hair, and the Captain let out a quiet sob when his fingers went to the pulse point in Barnes' neck. 

"He's alive," Rogers whispered.

"Maybe not for long," Falsworth warned. "He's bleeding out. We need to get him proper medical attention, and a blood transplant, fast."

"I'll give him my blood," Rogers said immediately.

"Cap, you're a biologically engineered superhuman," Gabe reminded him. "I doubt your blood is anything like the rest of ours. D'you know his blood type?"

"O Negative," Cap responded, and he brushed the hair off Barnes' forehead. 

"Hook me up," Tim said, holding out his arm. Dernier didn't protest; just pulled a blood transfusion kit out from literally nowhere and stabbed Tim in the soft flesh under his elbow with a needle. 

"Morita, sit your ass down and let me bandage that," Gabe said wearily. "Cap, we need someone to keep watch."

Rogers finally looked up, his eyes wide and panicked. "What about Bucky?"

"He'll be fine, Steve," Tim said gently. "He'll be good as new in a few minutes. We've stopped the bleeding, and the blood loss is being fixed right now. We'll call you if he wakes up."

Cap hesitated again, but eventually got to his feet. With one last longing look at Barnes, he disappeared back into the trees.

"As soon as Barnes is well enough, we'll retreat to a more secure location," Morita said, wincing as Gabe poked at his wound. "It's not safe here - we're too close to the base."

Dernier took the needles out of Tim's and Barnes' arms, and Tim rubbed at his arm, where a small dot of blood had beaded.

Ten minutes later, when Barnes still hadn't woken up, the five of them stood up. Morita let out a high-pitched whistle, and not a minute later Cap was jogging back towards them.

"We should get going," Gabe said, looking at the sky. "If we don't get back to base camp by nightfall, we're fucked."

Rogers hoisted Barnes into his arms, looking as if the extra weight didn't bother him at all. Barnes' head lolled onto Rogers' shoulder, and in any other situation, it'd be cute. 

They walked for a couple of hours, reaching their base camp when the sun touched the horizon. Morita muttered something about firewood, and Falsworth followed him. Gabe sat down by the empty fire pit with their rations and started counting out the number of servings they had left, while Dernier cleaned his guns beside him. Tim went to the creek near their camp to wash off, and when he got back, Dernier, Rogers and Barnes were nowhere to be seen. 

"Where'd the others go?" Tim asked as he sat down next to Gabe.

"Cap took Barnes into his tent," Gabe said, jerking his head behind him. "Dernier left with the big pot to fill it up with water. We're gonna heat up the water and give it to Cap, so Barnes can get clean without being uncomfortable."

Tim nodded and watched as Morita and Falsworth shoved at each other as they came back to camp, both laden with logs. Dernier staggered back from the creek, the large pot used for bathing in his arms, sloshing water with every step. Gabe got a fire going with his lighter and some dry leaves, and soon enough the fire was roaring. They positioned the pot in the centre of the flames, and when the water started to boil, Tim wrapped up his hands with rags and picked up the pot, and walked to Rogers' tent.

As he got closer, Tim heard the sound of quiet talking, and softly sighed in relief. If Barnes was awake, it meant his condition had improved, and he could wash himself while the water was still hot. 

"Everyone decent in there?" Tim called out, and he could almost hear Barnes roll his eyes.

"Come on in, Dum Dum," Rogers called out. Tim flicked the tent flap out of the way and walked in, not surprised at all to see Rogers and Barnes curled up together on the sleeping mat, with Barnes basically sitting on Rogers' lap. 

"Heated up some water from the creek," Tim said, setting the pot down. "Thought it'd be easier for Barnes to clean up here instead of walking down the hill."

"'Fraid I'll stink up the whole forest and get us found by Nazis?" Barnes sniped, but Rogers just smiled.

"Thanks, Dum Dum. That's real swell of you."

"Thank that crazy Frenchman - he was the one who thought of it. Falsworth's gonna be making beans in diced tomato again - we'll call you out when it's ready. Although, it probably won't be for a while, so if you two wanna entertain yourselves-"

"Finish that sentence and I'll shoot you," Barnes cut in, but his face was bright red. Rogers didn't look too much better. Tim just snickered and left, the tent flap fluttering softly behind him.

3.

Jim felt as if he was in one of those pictures that his sister liked to watch, and he hated it. He was a grown man, damnit, a soldier, part of the bloodiest war in history. He should not be caught in the middle of the little lovefest that the Captain and the Sergeant had going on. But alas, there he was, sitting at a table in a seedy bar in the middle of London, his teammates surrounding him, as Barnes tried to pity-drink himself to death at the bar. All because the Captain was over on the dancefloor, Peggy Carter in his arms.

"I always thought she was married," Dum Dum said thoughtfully.

"Nah," Gabe replied, taking a swig of his beer. "She dumped her fiancée to join MI6."

"How do you know that?" Falsworth asked in surprise.

"I'm a naturally trustworthy person," Gabe shrugged. "Also, she knows I'm happily married and wouldn't try to get her into my bed."

"They look happy," Dernier said, watching Rogers and Carter with a lovesick expression on his face. Jacques always got overly romantic when he was drunk. Jim guessed it was because he's French.

"Barnes certainly doesn't," Jim replied, jerking his head towards the bar. "Boy's gonna drink himself to death."

As Jim watched, the song ended, and Carter went onto her toes to press a kiss to Rogers' cheek. Rogers blushed down to his toes, and Barnes abruptly stood up and walked out of the bar.

"Poor guy," Gabe sighed. 

"You really think Rogers is into Carter?" Jim asked.

"Who wouldn't be?" Dum Dum snorted. "She's smart, she's scary, she's the prettiest dame this side of the Atlantic. It's just Rogers' type."

"And what about Barnes?" Dernier asked, and his eyes filled with tears. "Are they not in love? Are they not closer than soulmates?"

Nobody knew how to respond to that. Jim watched Carter walk out the door, and stood up, following her out. 

The London night was cold, and Jim shivered, not used to the cold weather. He was from California, damnit - he shouldn't be in weather below seventy.

"Agent Carter!" he called out, jogging towards Carter as she turned around. She raised her eyebrows at him, but her eyes were warm.

"Jim," she greeted. "How are you?"

"Just came out for a fag," he replied, and pulled the pack out of his pocket. "You want one?"

Carter accepted the offered cigarette and pulled out her own lighter, the flame flickering in the dim light. The butt of the cigarette was covered by her bright red lips as she took a drag.

"Don't try and fool me, Jim," she said, her eyes closed as she savoured the cigarette. "I know that you didn't run out of that bar like a bat out of hell just to have a cig with me. What did you want to talk to me about?"

Jim chose his next words carefully. "Ma'am, I mean no disrespect, but... you and Captain Rogers... are you actively pursuing a relationship with him?"

Carter looked over at him, her eyes dancing with amusement. "Why Jim, what makes you ask?" she said, a hint of teasing in her voice. "Is it because you wish to pursue a relationship with me yourself?"

"Ma'am, I don't think that's legal," Jim said wryly. "In case you haven't noticed, we're not of the same race."

"Is it because you're looking out for your Captain, then?" Carter pressed, then she smiled. "Or is it because you're looking out for your Sergeant?"

Jim felt sweat trickle down his neck, despite the cold night. "Ma'am?"

"Don't take me for a fool, Jim," Carter sighed and took another drag of her cigarette. "I have no desire to be with Steve, and he has no desire to be with me. In case you haven't noticed, his heart belongs to someone else."

"But... you were dancing together," Jim said in confusion. "You kissed him-"

"Steve and I are friends," Carter said, her lips curved upwards. "Just friends. He is a good man, and I am not one to deny love to two people because of something as trivial as sexual organs."

"You're a swell gal, Agent Carter."

"And you're a swell lad, Private Morita. Now get back inside - I can tell that your California upbringing is about to give you hypothermia."

"Just because I didn't grow up freezing my balls off..." Jim muttered, but he saluted Carter anyway, and went back inside.

"Where'd Cap go?" Jim asked as he sat back down.

"After Barnes, I'm guessing," Gabe replied, knocking back a shot. "We'd best stay away from their room for a while - I believe they have things to talk about."

"You got that right," Dum Dum mumbled. Jim knocked their glasses together and drank his beer.

4.

Maybe Jacques should not have had so much to drink, he thought morosely as he held onto his stomach. Gabe had abandoned him, that donkey, and here Jacques was, walking back to their accommodation in the middle of the night, in a city he did not know. England was terrible. Jacques missed France.

The innkeeper just sighed when he saw Jacques stumble through the door, and gave him a glass of water. 

"Merci," Jacques slurred. He tried to drink the water, but most of it just went down the front of his shirt.

"Two of your boys just went up," the innkeeper said. He had a Scottish accent. "The big blonde and the real pretty one. Think they were fighting."

"Of course they were," Jacques grumbled. "They call me dramatic because I am from France, but those Brooklyn-ers are ridiculous."

The innkeeper raised an eyebrow, looking confused. Jacques gave him a sloppy salute, then stumbled up the stairs. It wasn't long before he heard the shouting.

"What's got you so upset, huh? Too hard for you not to be the centre of attention?"

Jacques blinked. That did not sound like something the Captain would say. But it was definitely his voice. Because he was a bad person, Jacques did not leave them alone to sort out their problems. Instead, he crept to the small window on the door and peeked through.

The Captain was standing in the middle of the room, one of his fingers accusingly poking Barnes in the chest. He towered over the Sergeant, but Barnes didn't seem intimidated - quite the opposite, actually.

"That's what's got you all pissed off?" Barnes snapped. "You think I'm gonna steal your girl out from under your nose, that it, Stevie?!"

"I saw the way you were looking at her!" Steve shouted. "And you've always been this way about dames - always gotta have their full attention!"

"You seriously think I'd do that to you?" Barnes said, and he sounded shocked. "You really think I'd take something special from my best friend because I wanted it? You really think I'm that selfish?"

"Then what made you storm out of the bar like a bat out of hell, huh?"

"Nobody asked you to follow me, Rogers!"

"You left at the same time as Peggy did - you think I was gonna let you get her alone?"

"Fuck you, Steve," Barnes spat, and Jacques felt his eyes widen as he saw tears on Barnes' face. "If it makes you feel better, I may as well tell you I don't even like women! Is that what you wanna hear, Stevie? That I'm a fucking fairy? Because congratulations, I won't steal your woman, but I probably will be beaten to death in an alleyway." Barnes turned away, wiping at his face. "I'm in love with a man, and I have always been in love with the same man, and I couldn't care less about the women that throw themselves at me. But I go on dates with them because if I don't, people will find out. And you know what'd happen then? I'd get arrested, and then some dickheads will kill me. And the cops won't care, because they'll know what I was."

"Bucky," Rogers said, and he sounded absolutely wrecked. 

"Fuck you," Barnes choked out. "Get out. You can bunk with one of the others. I don't want you anywhere near me right now."

"Bucky," Rogers started, and there were tears on his face, too. "Bucky, I didn't..."

"Didn't what?" Barnes asked bitterly. "Didn't realise that your best friend was a queer? Well congratu-fucking-lations, Steve. Now you do."

"That wasn't what I was going to say," Rogers said quietly. 

"Then what were you going to say?" And Barnes sounded so tired, so hurt, that Jacques felt tears prick at his own eyes. Damn him and his inner romantic.

"I was going to say... I'm in love with a man, too."

Barnes turned around to look at Rogers, his eyes wide. "What?"

"Peggy is my friend," Rogers mumbled, looking at his feet. "And we danced together because I owed her a dance. And I do love her, just not like that." Rogers took a deep breath. "I was angry because I thought you wanted her, and I'm sorry."

"But why were you angry?" Barnes asked, and he looked so confused. "You just told me you're not in love with her."

"But I'm in love with you," Rogers said softly, and he looked up at Barnes with a vulnerable expression. Jacques clutched at his chest.

Barnes closed the distance in three steps and threw his arms around Roger's shoulders, going onto his toes and kissing him. Rogers wrapped Barnes up in his arms and kissed back, and they fell back onto one of the beds. Jacques silently fist-pumped and snuck away when they started taking their clothes off. And as soon as he got to his room, he threw up in the toilet.

He was never drinking again.

5.

Gabe was not happy. He should be back in America with his sweetheart, working for his only slightly racist boss and getting ready for the baby. But instead, he was in the middle of Czechoslovakia, lying in his too-thin sleeping bag, listening to his Sergeant and his Captain have sex.

The truth was, Gabe was slightly curious. How would homosexuals have sex? Neither of them had the proper equipment used in sex. Sure, they could suck each other off, but it definitely didn't sound like that was what was happening. They could always use the back hole, but that wasn't very sanitary, and the anus didn't exactly make slick as a vagina did. 

From his spot on the floor, it looked like Barnes was sitting on Rogers' lap and grinding down, and Gabe had just accepted that there was no way that Rogers was not inside Barnes. Especially since they both kept explicitly saying it.

Barnes let out a long moan and braced his hands on Rogers' chest as his movements got more frantic. Gabe clamped his hands over his ears and tried to block them out, but the slapping sound of skin on skin was very distinct, and neither of them was being very quiet.

"Fuck, Stevie, you feel so good -"

"Yeah, yeah baby, just like that, oh _god,_ Bucky -"

"God, I love you so much - I love you so much, Steve -"

"Oh shit, sweetheart, god, you'll be the death of me, _fuck_ -"

"I'm happy for y'all and all, but could you maybe shut the fuck up for five minutes?" Gabe finally cut in. The slapping sounds stopped for a minute.

"Gabe, why are you in the tent?"

"This is my tent, assholes - you obviously didn't check when your horny asses came stumbling in here, tearing each other's clothes off."

"You've been there the entire time?" Rogers sounded horrified.

"Even if I wasn't, I would still be able to hear you. Y'all are so loud, I'm surprised the Nazis haven't found us."

"He's got a point, fellas," Dum Dum shouted from the other side of camp. "It ain't fun listening to you two get your rocks off while the rest of us don't have anyone here."

"You could always fuck Falsworth," Barnes shouted back.

"Please don't," Falsworth replied.

Gabe rolled over and shoved his face into the jacket he was using as a pillow. "Please finish up in your own tent. Or in the river. Or against a tree. Just anywhere but here."

"Hey, this was the best show you'll ever see, Jones," Barnes sniped as he pulled his pants back on. Gabe could clearly see his still-hard dick.

"Bucky!" Rogers sounded scandalised. 

"Cap, you've got no right to sound like that, not after what I just heard. And saw."

"Sorry, Gabe."

+1

"Where exactly are we?" 

"Off the coast of northern Africa. No man's land. Nobody owns these waters."

"And you're sure about that?"

"Do I look like someone who takes shoddy information?"

"With that hat? Never."

"This hat cost more than your mother's funeral, Barnes. And I think I look rather nice in it."

"Oh, put a sock in it, Falsworth. I'll kick you off this boat for the sharks."

"Can you boys shut it?" Morita grumbled, dusting off the rings. "I stole these just for this occasion, and you'd better not ruin it."

"If anyone was going to ruin their own wedding, it's gonna be Barnes," Dum Dum snickered.

"Hey," Cap said absentmindedly, "that's my future husband you're talking about."

"Aw, thanks, doll," Barnes purred, and pulled Rogers into a kiss that looked like it belonged on the front cover of a porn magazine.

"Alright, quit tongue-fucking each other and let's get this dumbass ceremony over with," Morita muttered.

"Jim!" Dernier gasped. "You cannot talk like that about love!"

"Fuck you, Frenchie, I do what I want."

"Boys!" Gabe snapped, then turned to Rogers and Barnes. "You two, get your asses up to the altar."

"Aren't we s'posed to walk down the aisle?" Barnes asked, sounding confused.

"I don't know, I've never been to a wedding," Rogers replied.

"No, you idiots, just get to the damned altar so that Dum Dum can make this official," Gabe sighed. "We've got Morita as the official witness, Falsworth as the best man, me as the maid of honour, and Dernier's the flower girl."

"And who's the bride in this?" 

"Barnes, obviously. Now that we all know who bottoms."

"Fuck you, I'd look amazing in a dress."

"I know you would, babe."

"Aw, I'm gonna cry. Can we get this over with?"

"Morita shut the fuck up."

The ceremony was a huge success. And all the Commandoes could hear it when they consummated the marriage.

**Author's Note:**

> This just turned into pure crack and I'm not even sorry


End file.
